State of My Heart: Overwhelmed, grateful, and still processing.
Today’s Reading
Genesis 21-22
Matthew 6
I don’t really know how to organize today.
Maybe that’s okay.
I started this journal because I wanted to document what happened when I intentionally spent time with God and started paying closer attention to my life.
Today, I paid attention.
And there was a lot to notice.
God Keeps His Promises
Today’s reading brought me back to something that has been building throughout Genesis.
God keeps His promises.
In Genesis 21, Sarah finally has Isaac.
The thing that once seemed so impossible that she laughed when God told her it would happen… happened.
Yesterday, I read God’s response to Sarah:
“Is anything too hard for the Lord?”
I didn’t realize how much I would carry those words with me into today.
Because today, I found myself wondering about impossible things.
It Started With Kindness
Last night was stressful.
My husband travels for work and was supposed to be home Thursday. After repeated canceled flights, he still wasn’t home Friday night.
With everything happening at work right now, I had really been looking forward to having him home.
Instead, I sat down and wrote.
And somehow, out of Genesis 18, came yesterday’s entire reflection:
When Did We Forget Kindness?
This morning, my mom and I got up to do our usual Yoga with Adriene.
We turned on today’s session.
The title?
Kindness.
We just looked at each other.
Okay.
I noticed.
Then Something Else Happened
After yoga, I started my normal Saturday cleaning.
Except my brain wouldn’t stop thinking about work.
What can I do?
Is there anything I haven’t considered?
If something is broken, my instinct has always been to try to help fix it.
So instead of cleaning, I ended up sitting in my office researching federal grants, funding possibilities, and people who might care about the work we’re trying to protect.
And then I had a thought.
Yesterday I had just read about Sarah laughing when God told Abraham she would have a child.
It sounded impossible.
And God’s response was:
“Is anything too hard for the Lord?”
So I thought…
Fine.
What do I actually have to lose?
I reached out to someone I never realistically expected to hear back from.
No expectations.
Just hope.
And faith.
Within twenty or thirty minutes…
He responded.
I stared at my phone.
Then I ran to my family because I genuinely couldn’t believe what I was looking at.
And almost immediately, I thanked God.
Does a response mean I suddenly know what’s going to happen with my job?
Absolutely not.
Does it mean God personally arranged that message?
I can’t tell you that either.
But I can tell you what happened inside me.
My thoughts immediately turned toward Him.
And I felt hope.
Is This What Listening Looks Like?
For the past several entries, I’ve been asking how we recognize God’s voice.
Today made me wonder whether I’ve been expecting something louder.
Maybe guidance isn’t always a booming voice telling us exactly what to do.
Maybe sometimes it’s an idea that keeps returning.
A gentle pull toward something good.
The courage to act when fear tells you not to.
And then, occasionally, a little moment that makes you stop and think:
Okay. I’m paying attention.
I’m also becoming more aware of the opposite.
I’ll feel hopeful…
and then doubt arrives.
This is ridiculous.
Nothing is going to come from this.
Who do you think you are?
And now I’m noticing those thoughts too.
Yesterday I wrote about temptation and deception.
Today I’m wondering whether part of discernment is learning which thoughts move me toward faith, courage, kindness, and love – and which ones pull me toward fear, hopelessness, and paralysis.
I don’t have that answer yet.
But I’m noticing the difference.
And Then There Was This Morning
Before any of that happened, my day actually began with something much heavier.
August 8 carries a painful memory.
On this day in 2019, a very close childhood friend died from an overdose.
He had also been the great love of my best friend’s life. Life ultimately took them in different directions, but that kind of love doesn’t simply disappear.
This morning I woke suddenly and checked my phone.
She had sent me a post from his family.
His father, who is a pastor, had shared the story of that day in 2019 – sitting outside his son’s apartment and writing messages of encouragement to people, including his son.
He also reflected on August 8 and the Christian symbolism sometimes associated with the number eight: new beginnings.
My friend told me how heavy her heart felt today.
But then she pointed something out.
So many of her own new beginnings have happened around this date.
Her water broke with her first son.
And today, seven years after losing someone who meant so much to her, she was in the middle of another enormous beginning:
Moving her family from Boston to New Jersey.
Grief.
Birth.
Loss.
Movement.
Endings.
Beginnings.
All somehow sitting beside each other on the same date.
I don’t know what we’re supposed to make of things like that.
Maybe that’s becoming the point.
I don’t have to explain everything I notice.
Sometimes I can simply notice it.
Maybe That’s What a Godwink Is
I’ve used that word several times now.
Godwink.
For me, it doesn’t mean proof.
It doesn’t mean I’ve cracked some secret code where every coincidence is a message from God.
It’s simply what I call those moments that make me stop.
Something lines up.
Something happens at exactly the right moment.
A memory resurfaces.
A person appears.
A door cracks open.
And something inside me immediately turns toward God.
Maybe that’s coincidence.
Maybe sometimes it’s God.
Maybe I’ll spend the rest of my life learning the difference.
But I know this:
Since I started intentionally looking…
I’m noticing more.
And today, I felt surrounded by reasons to notice.
So I Want to Try Something
This journey started as something I was doing for myself.
I still need it to remain that way.
But I’m beginning to wonder whether part of noticing is hearing what other people have noticed too.
So if you’re reading this, I’d genuinely love to hear from you.
Have you ever experienced what you would call a Godwink?
A coincidence you still think about.
Timing you couldn’t explain.
A person who appeared exactly when you needed them.
A moment that made you stop and wonder if maybe – just maybe – you weren’t walking through life alone.
You don’t have to prove what it was.
You don’t have to explain it.
Just tell the story.
Maybe I’ll share some of them here someday – with permission, of course.
Because I’m beginning to think there may be something beautiful about collecting the moments that made people stop and look up.
Questions I’m Leaving With
Am I actually hearing God more clearly…or am I simply becoming better at paying attention?
Could those be the same thing?
How do I learn to discern between guidance, my own thoughts, fear, and temptation?
And how many moments have all of us experienced that we dismissed because we weren’t looking for them?
Today’s Takeaway
Maybe faith doesn’t always mean understanding what God is doing.
Maybe sometimes it simply means paying enough attention to notice that you’re thinking about Him differently.
Until next time… keep noticing.