Today’s Readings: Genesis 34–36, Matthew 10
This morning, before I even got to tonight’s Bible reading, something happened that felt like another one of those moments I have been learning to notice.
My morning devotional was titled:
“No Empty Words.”
It talked about God’s Word not simply being words on a page, but words of life. Words we can return to when life feels confusing or frustrating. Words that can sustain us when we don’t understand what is happening around us.
And I immediately thought:
Okay. I’m noticing.
Because yesterday I wrote about this exact thing.
I wrote that I’m beginning to understand the difference between simply reading God’s Word and allowing it to actually transform me.
And then I woke up this morning to a devotional about exactly that.
Maybe another Godwink.
But tonight, when I got to Matthew 10, something else clicked.
Keep Going
In Matthew 10, Jesus sends His disciples out.
And as I was reading, I found myself thinking about what that must have felt like for them.
They had to have had questions.
Were they nervous?
Did they wonder whether they were ready?
Did they worry about what people would think of them?
Did they wonder whether they would know what to say?
Jesus doesn’t promise them that everything ahead will be easy.
Actually, He prepares them for the opposite.
There will be people who reject them.
There will be opposition.
There will be uncertainty.
But He sends them anyway.
And repeatedly, the message is:
Do not be afraid.
Trust.
Go.
You will be given what you need when you need it.
And while thinking about all of that tonight, something I’ve already been hearing in my own mind recently came right back:
Keep going.
Keep following the path.
You’re where you’re supposed to be.
And maybe that’s what I need right now.
I Keep Wanting the Map
I have spent a lot of this journey writing about control.
And if I’m being truthful, I think part of me still wants God to hand me the entire map.
What’s going to happen with work?
Where is all of this going?
Why did I suddenly feel so strongly that I needed to start reading the Bible again?
Why did that turn into writing publicly about it?
Why am I suddenly feeling more comfortable sharing parts of my faith that I have kept much quieter for years?
Why did I feel compelled to finally write my testimony – and then actually send it somewhere?
I want to connect every dot.
I want to understand where the road leads.
But maybe that’s not what faith asks of us.
Maybe I don’t need the entire map.
Maybe I just need the next step.
Faith Doesn’t Mean I Won’t Be Afraid
This has become one of the biggest realizations of these past couple of weeks.
I still get scared.
I still have anxious thoughts.
I still wonder what is going to happen.
I still catch myself trying to predict outcomes before they exist.
But I’m responding differently.
I’ve written before about how I’m learning to interrupt fear faster.
When I notice my thoughts spiraling, I’m getting better at stopping them.
Praying.
Redirecting.
Remembering what I’ve already learned.
Remembering what I’ve already survived.
Remembering the times I couldn’t see the whole picture before – and later understood why certain things happened the way they did.
And maybe courage isn’t reaching some magical point where fear disappears.
Maybe courage is being afraid and continuing forward anyway.
Faith doesn’t necessarily remove the nervous thought.
Sometimes faith is what we choose to do next.
Stop Looking Sideways
Comparison has also been on my mind lately.
It came up in yesterday’s reflection, and it’s something I talk about in my personal life often.
I think comparison can quietly steal so much from us.
We look at someone else’s life and wonder why ours doesn’t look like theirs.
Someone else’s success.
Someone else’s appearance.
Someone else’s family.
Someone else’s career.
Someone else’s faith.
Someone else’s confidence.
And social media has made it incredibly easy to spend our lives looking sideways.
I especially think about what that means for our children, who are growing up with constant access to everyone else’s highlight reels.
But tonight I found myself connecting comparison to something even bigger.
It’s hard to follow the path in front of you when you’re constantly looking at somebody else’s.
Maybe someone else is further ahead.
Maybe someone else understands more.
Maybe someone else’s faith looks different.
Maybe someone else writes better.
Maybe someone else would be more qualified to talk about God.
But none of that changes what is happening on my path.
And if I’m constantly measuring where I am against where someone else appears to be, I might miss what God is trying to teach me right where I am.
What Am I Actually Being Asked to Do?
I don’t believe I’m being given some complete picture of where this is going.
And I don’t want to pretend that I am.
I don’t know what happens with work.
I don’t know what happens with this blog.
I don’t know whether sharing my testimony leads anywhere beyond the simple act of finally having the courage to share it.
I don’t know why certain memories and spiritual experiences from years ago are suddenly coming back to the surface.
But maybe I don’t need to know any of that yet.
What I do know is that I felt pulled to start reading again.
So I started reading.
I felt pulled to write.
So I started writing.
I felt like I needed to stop hiding this part of myself because I was afraid of what other people might think.
So I’m beginning to speak.
One step.
Then another.
Then another.
And somehow, each step seems to reveal something I couldn’t see from the one before it.
No Empty Words
That brings me right back to this morning.
No Empty Words.
Maybe that’s what has surprised me most about this journey so far.
I’m not reading something at night and forgetting it the next morning.
The words are following me.
I read about fear, and then I recognize fear differently in my own life.
I read about forgiveness, and I start examining what I’m still carrying.
I read about grace, and I question why I demand perfection from myself.
I read about humility and service, and I think about how I treat other people.
I read about trusting God through uncertainty, and then uncertainty shows up – and I have an opportunity to actually practice it.
And now I read Jesus telling His disciples not to fear as He sends them forward.
And something inside me says:
Keep going.
Maybe I’m Already Being Given What I Need
I started this journey during one of the most uncertain seasons I’ve experienced in a long time.
The uncertainty hasn’t disappeared.
But neither have the reminders.
There have been small Godwinks at work – moments that bring me back to why I care so deeply about what I do.
There have been moments in my family that remind me to notice what is going right instead of constantly preparing myself for what could go wrong.
There have been readings that seem to meet me exactly where my thoughts already are.
There have been old memories resurfacing that I now understand differently because I’m looking at them through eighteen more years of life and faith.
And maybe I don’t need to know what all of it means yet.
That keeps coming back to the same idea I’ve carried through several of these entries:
God reveals Himself over time, and we respond one faithful step at a time – even when we cannot yet see the whole picture.
I’m beginning to think that’s exactly where I am.
I can’t see the whole picture.
But I can see the next step.
What I’m Noticing
Something has changed since Entry 001.
I started this journey afraid of what was coming next.
I still don’t know what’s coming next.
But somehow, I’m becoming less afraid of not knowing.
And I’m becoming more confident speaking about what I believe.
That’s important for me to recognize.
For years, there has been a part of me that wanted to talk more openly about my relationship with God and the things I have experienced.
But there was also fear.
What will people think?
Will they judge me?
Will they think I’m crazy?
Do I know enough to talk about any of this?
Maybe I don’t know enough.
Maybe I never will.
I’m still learning.
I’m still questioning.
I’m still growing.
But perhaps I don’t have to know everything before I can talk honestly about what I’m learning.
The disciples didn’t receive the whole map.
They received what they needed for the step in front of them.
And they went.
Questions I’m Leaving With
Where am I waiting for certainty when faith may simply be asking me to take the next step?
Where has comparison distracted me from the path directly in front of me?
What would I do differently if I stopped waiting until I felt completely unafraid?
Am I willing to trust that I will receive what I need when I need it?
And when I can’t see the whole picture, can I resist the urge to force an answer – and simply keep going?
Today’s Takeaway
Maybe faith isn’t being handed the whole map.
Maybe it’s trusting enough to take the next step without one.
I don’t know exactly where this road is leading.
But right now, I don’t think I need to.
Read.
Pray.
Notice.
Trust.
Keep going.
Until next time… keep noticing.