Embracing the Journey

Today’s Reading: Deuteronomy 16:18-20

This morning, I woke up with anxiety again.

It has been there the last few mornings.

Not overwhelming.

Not completely taking over.

But noticeable.

And because of everything I have been practicing lately, I stopped and asked myself:

Where is this actually coming from?

The answer was not difficult to find.

There is still uncertainty in my life.

There are things I am excited about.

There are opportunities in front of me that I genuinely want.

There is a vision I believe in.

But there are still pieces that are not completely settled.

And when something matters to me, uncertainty can quickly turn into pressure.

Then pressure can turn into fear.

And fear?

Fear can distort judgment.

Fear Starts Filling in the Blanks

I noticed myself doing it again.

When I do not have all the information, my brain tries to provide it.

What is someone saying?

What are other people thinking?

What if something changes?

What if I lose an opportunity I am excited about?

What if someone else’s opinion changes how I am seen?

None of those questions are completely unreasonable.

But somewhere along the way, questions can quietly become assumptions.

And assumptions can begin to feel like facts.

That is where I have to stop.

Because fear is very good at filling empty spaces with the worst possible explanation.

Fear Can Distort Judgment

That thought connected immediately with today’s reading.

Deuteronomy 16:18–20 talks about justice.

Fair judgment.

Not showing partiality.

Not distorting what is right.

The context is much bigger than my anxious thoughts on a Saturday morning.

But the principle made me stop.

Because fear can distort judgment too.

It can distort how I interpret someone’s actions.

It can distort what I believe other people think of me.

It can distort how quickly I decide something is a threat.

It can even distort how I see myself.

Fear does not always lie by inventing something completely impossible. Sometimes it takes one piece of truth and builds an entire story around everything we still do not know.

I Know What This Pattern Feels Like Now

That may be one of the biggest differences in me.

I recognize it.

My brain starts moving toward:

What if this person says something?

What if someone believes it?

What if this changes something?

Then another voice shows up much faster than it used to:

Kristine, that is not yours to carry.

And I stop.

Not because the situation suddenly becomes meaningless.

Not because every concern disappears.

But because I can see the line now.

There are things that belong to me.

And there are things that absolutely do not.

What Is Mine?

That question continues to change everything.

What is mine right now?

My work.

My preparation.

My communication.

My behavior.

My integrity.

How I treat people.

How I lead.

How I respond when something is uncomfortable.

Those things belong to me.

What someone else says about me?

Not mine.

What someone else assumes?

Not mine.

Whether another person chooses to understand me correctly?

I can communicate clearly, but I cannot control their interpretation.

That is not mine either.

The more I learn that distinction, the more peace I have.

There Is Still One Real Unknown

I also want to be honest about something.

There is still an unresolved piece that matters to me.

So part of the anxiety is not imaginary.

There is real uncertainty.

And I do not think faith requires me to pretend otherwise.

There is a difference between saying:

This is something I need clarity about.

and saying:

Because I do not have clarity yet, I need to live as though everything could fall apart.

Those are very different thoughts.

One acknowledges reality.

The other lets fear write the rest of the story.

I am learning to separate them.

I Was Looking Forward to an Answer

I was supposed to have a conversation yesterday that I was looking forward to.

Mostly because I thought it might give my brain a little more clarity.

It was moved to Monday.

Fairly.

Nothing dramatic happened.

But I could feel what my mind wanted to do with those extra days.

Think.

Predict.

Prepare.

Analyze.

Rehearse.

And eventually I had to tell myself:

No.

You already know this pattern.

You paused.

You noticed the fear.

Now take the weekend and recenter.

Lord, take control.

Monday will still come.

The conversation will still happen.

I do not need to live it repeatedly before it arrives.

Then I Looked at Where I Actually Was

When I started putting these thoughts together today, I was sitting in my car.

My son’s hockey game was about to start.

Saturday was happening.

Right in front of me.

And my brain was trying to live in Monday.

That may have been the clearest Notice moment of the day.

Because Monday matters.

But so does today.

Actually, today is the only one I can live right now.

My son has a hockey game.

My family is here.

There are things happening in my life right now that I do not want to miss because my brain is busy rehearsing a conversation that has not happened yet.

Not Everything Uncertain Needs to Be Solved Today

I think that may be one of the truths I need most right now.

Not everything uncertain needs to be solved before I can be present.

Some things genuinely need attention.

Some conversations need to happen.

Some questions need answers.

But not necessarily today.

Today may simply require me to recognize:

I do not know yet.

And then remain present anyway.

That is much harder than it sounds.

But I am getting better at it.

Who Do I Want to Be in This Opportunity?

Then another question became much more important than all the others.

Not:

What is everyone else thinking?

Not:

How do I make sure this works out exactly the way I want?

Not even:

How do I prove myself?

The better question is:

Who do I want to be in this opportunity?

And I actually know the answer.

I want to be confident.

But I want confidence with integrity.

I want to lead well.

I want to be fair.

I want to be an example.

I want people to know where they stand with me.

I want to treat people with respect.

I want to make decisions carefully instead of emotionally.

I want to remain teachable.

And most importantly, I want the way I lead to continue being shaped by God’s Word.

Confidence and Integrity Can Live Together

I have been learning confidence lately.

That matters.

For a long time, I think I could mistake humility for minimizing myself.

Now I know better.

I can recognize what I am capable of.

I can accept responsibility.

I can step into an opportunity.

I can lead.

And I do not have to become arrogant to do any of those things.

Confidence does not require me to become the loudest person in the room.

It does not require proving I am right.

It does not require controlling how everyone sees me.

Maybe confidence with integrity looks more like:

I know who I am, I know what I am responsible for, and I am willing to let my actions speak.

That feels much more peaceful.

I Want to Be Fair Even When I Feel Uncomfortable

That part matters to me too.

If fear can distort judgment, then I have to be careful not only about what I assume others think about me.

I have to examine what I assume about them too.

That is harder.

Because when someone has hurt you before, it becomes easy to interpret everything they do through the lens of what happened previously.

Past behavior matters.

Boundaries matter.

Wisdom matters.

But fairness still matters too.

I do not want fear to turn discernment into prejudice.

I do not want one painful experience to become permission to assume I know every future motive.

That is where I need God’s wisdom.

God’s Peace Is Part of the Leader I Want to Be

I do not want to lead from anxiety.

I do not want to walk into every meeting preparing for conflict.

I do not want fear making decisions before anyone has even said anything.

I want to walk into rooms grounded.

Prepared.

Clear.

Fair.

And peaceful.

Not because everything around me will always be peaceful.

But because I want to know where my peace comes from.

That matters.

Especially if other people are looking to me.

Deuteronomy 16 Made Me Think About Leadership Differently

The passage begins with appointing judges and officials who are supposed to judge fairly.

They are warned not to distort justice.

Not to show partiality.

Not to be influenced improperly.

Instead, they are told to pursue justice.

That made me think about leadership.

Leadership is not only authority.

It is responsibility.

How I respond matters.

How I listen matters.

How quickly I make assumptions matters.

Whether I treat people differently because I am frustrated matters.

Whether fear is quietly shaping my conclusions matters.

That is sobering.

But it is also clarifying.

Because I know the kind of leader I want to become.

I Do Not Need to Control the Room to Lead Well

That might be one of my newer lessons.

Leadership does not require knowing everything happening behind the scenes.

It does not require knowing every opinion.

It does not require controlling every conversation.

It does not require carrying everyone else’s responsibilities.

It requires me to be faithful with mine.

I can communicate expectations.

I can follow up.

I can hold people accountable.

I can make decisions.

I can address problems directly.

And then I can allow other adults to be responsible for their own choices.

That is not losing control.

That is healthy leadership.

I Am Still Learning

I want to give myself grace here too.

This is new.

Not everything about the opportunity itself, but this particular season.

The responsibility.

The change.

The uncertainty.

The personalities.

The things still being worked out.

Of course I am processing.

Of course some old fears are resurfacing.

The goal is not to shame myself because anxiety showed up again.

The goal is to notice what it is trying to make me do.

That changes the question from:

Why am I anxious again?

to:

What is anxiety asking me to believe right now?

That question gives me something useful to examine.

I Know Where I Want to Return

And the answer still comes back to the same place.

Lord, take control.

Not:

Lord, remove every uncomfortable person.

Not:

Lord, guarantee the exact outcome I want.

Not:

Lord, make sure everyone agrees with me.

Just:

Lord, take control.

Of my fear.

My reactions.

My assumptions.

My need to know.

My need to control.

My desire to do well.

My leadership.

My words.

My decisions.

All of it.

Maybe This Is the Next Part of the Journey

The 30-Day Notice Journey has ended.

But noticing obviously did not.

If anything, I think I am seeing what comes after the challenge.

The practice has to leave the worksheet.

It has to leave the daily theme.

It has to become part of real Saturday mornings when I wake up anxious.

Real work situations.

Real conversations.

Real leadership.

Real family moments.

Real uncertainty.

That is where I find out whether I actually learned anything.

And today?

I think I did.

Because the anxiety showed up.

Fear started filling in the blanks.

And I noticed.

Questions I’m Leaving With

Where is fear filling in information I do not actually have?

Am I responding to what is true, or to what I am afraid might be true?

What belongs to me right now?

What am I trying to control that belongs to someone else?

Where could fear be distorting my judgment of another person?

What kind of person do I want to be when I walk into difficult situations?

Does my version of confidence still leave room for humility, integrity, and fairness?

What would leadership look like if I stopped trying to control every outcome?

Can I let Monday remain Monday and be fully present today?

And where do I need to say again:

Lord, take control.

Today’s Takeaway

Fear can distort judgment when it starts filling in what we do not know.

So before you react, pause.

Separate Facts From Fear

What do you actually know?

What are you assuming?

Do not treat those as the same thing.

Ask What Is Yours

What responsibility belongs to you?

What belongs to someone else?

Carry your part well.

Let other people carry theirs.

Decide Who You Want to Be

Before asking how everyone else will behave, ask:

Who do I want to be here?

Choose integrity before you know the outcome.

Be Fair

Past experiences can inform wisdom.

They do not have to decide every future conclusion.

Leave room for truth to reveal itself.

Stay Present

Tomorrow’s conversation will come tomorrow.

Today’s life is happening now.

Do not lose what is in front of you while trying to control what has not happened yet.

Return to God

When fear starts filling in the blanks, come back.

To truth.

To integrity.

To what is actually yours.

To God’s Word.

To peace.

I cannot control what every person thinks.

I cannot know every conversation happening when I am not there.

I cannot guarantee every outcome.

But I can decide who I want to be.

Confident, but grounded.

Strong, but fair.

Responsible, but not controlling.

Led by God’s Word instead of my fear.

And today, that is enough.

Monday can wait.

My son’s hockey game is happening now.

Until next time… keep noticing.