Embracing the Journey

Today’s Reading: Numbers 19-21

Today’s 30-Day Notice Journey theme was:

Notice what you’re trying to control.

Naturally, my mind went straight to work.

There is still uncertainty there. Some pieces remain completely outside of my control. Because I have been documenting so much of this season as I move through it, I already know how quickly my brain can try to get ahead of what has actually happened.

But today, another thought caught my attention.

Instead of only asking what I was trying to control at work, I started wondering:

Am I trying to control this journey too?

Do I worry about whether people are getting enough from it?

Have I quietly taken responsibility for what someone else does with what I share?

That question opened something bigger.

Maybe one of the most important things I am learning through all of this is not another rule.

It is how much can change when we simply pay attention.

Paying Attention Changes More Than I Expected

When I started reading Scripture more consistently, I thought the biggest change would come from learning.

And learning absolutely matters.

Scripture has been teaching me about forgiveness, comparison, integrity, mercy, rest, fear, control, responsibility, trust, and how we treat people.

Still, there is another piece I did not understand as clearly in the beginning.

You can learn all of those things and still miss the moment when you stop living them.

That is where noticing comes in.

I can understand that comparison is unhelpful. The harder part is recognizing when I am doing it.

Knowing I should not carry everything is one thing. Catching myself as I begin picking everything up again is another.

Trusting God sounds simple until I notice that I have quietly moved from trust back into trying to control every possible outcome.

That awareness matters.

Maybe Noticing Is How We Catch the Drift

Noticing is helping me catch the drift before it becomes the direction.

I keep thinking about the word:

Drift.

Most of the time, I do not wake up and decide that today will be the day I spiral.

Nobody plans to spend the afternoon comparing themselves to everyone around them.

I certainly do not begin the morning thinking:

Let me take responsibility for several things that have absolutely nothing to do with me.

It usually happens gradually.

One thought.

Then a conversation.

Maybe a reaction.

A little fear enters.

Before long, I can end up somewhere mentally that I never intended to go.

The difference now is that I seem to catch it sooner.

Noticing is helping me catch the drift before it becomes the direction.

Numbers 19-21 Made Me Think About the Moment Before the Reaction

Today’s reading gave me another example of why noticing matters.

In Numbers 20, Moses is frustrated with the people. God gives him an instruction, but in that charged moment, Moses reacts differently than he was told to.

That stood out to me.

Not because my everyday frustrations compare to what Moses was carrying, but because I recognize the human part of it.

We can know what we are supposed to do and still react from frustration, fear, pressure, or exhaustion.

Sometimes the difference is that tiny space before the reaction.

Can I notice what is happening inside me before it decides what I do next?

That connected directly to what I have been learning:

Notice. Check. Choose.

The goal is not to never feel frustrated, doubtful, afraid, or overwhelmed.

The goal is to recognize what is happening soon enough that the feeling does not automatically become the decision.

Scripture Gives Me Something to Check Against

There has to be a foundation first.

Meeting with God consistently matters to me.

Reading Scripture matters.

Learning what it actually says matters too.

Otherwise, what am I checking my thoughts against?

If I never learn about forgiveness, bitterness can start feeling justified.

Without understanding humility, pride can become difficult to recognize.

Trust gives me something to compare control against.

Mercy, integrity, patience, compassion, and responsibility give me a clearer picture of how I want to move through the world.

Then the next part begins:

Pay attention while I am actually living it.

Not obsessively.

Not critically.

Just honestly.

Notice. Check. Choose.

This little practice keeps becoming more useful.

First:

Notice.

Something changed.

Maybe my body feels tense.

A thought appeared that immediately shifts my mood.

I am irritated.

Comparison has started creeping in.

A conversation keeps replaying in my head.

Perhaps I am trying to control something again.

Then:

Check.

Is this mine?

Is it true?

What is this producing in me?

Does it line up with what I have been learning?

More importantly, where is it taking me?

Toward integrity, compassion, patience, and peace?

Or toward fear, resentment, gossip, comparison, and control?

Then comes the choice.

Maybe I continue.

Another moment might require a redirect.

Sometimes I need to apologize.

Other times I need to stop talking, pray, let something go, or simply take the next right step.

The thought does not have to disappear before I choose differently.

Growth May Be Noticing Sooner

For a long time, I think I assumed growth would mean certain thoughts stopped showing up.

No more fear.

Comparison would disappear.

Doubt would be gone.

Frustration would stop happening.

The temptation to control everything would somehow vanish.

I am not sure that is how growth works.

Maybe sometimes growth looks like:

I noticed sooner.

Instead of spending three days in the spiral, maybe I spend an hour.

Later, that hour becomes twenty minutes.

Eventually, perhaps I catch it within five.

The thought still came.

What changed was how quickly I recognized it.

And once I recognized it, I knew what to do next.

Growth may not mean I stop having the thought. It may mean I notice sooner that I do not want to follow it.

Then Something Happened With Work

There was another moment today that made me pay attention.

Without getting into the details, I received an update related to work.

For the first time in a while, I had a little more information than I had before.

Almost immediately, I became aware of something happening internally.

It was as if I kept reminding myself:

Check yourself.

Stay humble.

Other people may not have received the same information.

Keep your integrity.

Do not let one update change how you treat people.

That reaction fascinated me.

Uncertainty Has a Way of Humbling Us

When you do not know what is coming, you become very aware of how little control you actually have.

You pray.

Surrender becomes necessary.

Waiting forces you to sit with unanswered questions.

Sometimes you ask God for help because there is genuinely nothing else you can do.

But what happens when the situation begins moving in a direction that feels better for you?

That brought up a different question:

Who am I when the waiting starts going my way?

Do I remember how uncertain I felt yesterday?

Can I remain compassionate toward someone who is still waiting?

Will I keep the integrity I was asking God to help me maintain when I was afraid?

Does relief make me kinder?

Or does it quietly begin feeding my ego?

Those questions feel important too.

I Want My Faith to Shape Me After the Answer Changes

We talk a lot about trusting God while we wait.

And we should.

Waiting is hard.

Still, I do not only want my faith to shape me while I need something.

I want it to shape who I am when something begins working out.

That may be another form of surrender.

Can I receive relief without turning it into superiority?

Will gratitude remain gratitude?

Can I remember that someone else may still be sitting in the uncertainty I was living in yesterday?

Perhaps integrity matters just as much after the answer as it did before.

I Do Not Always Know Where a Thought Came From

This is something else I have been thinking about.

Every once in a while, a thought appears and immediately feels wrong.

Pride.

Comparison.

Judgment.

Fear.

An urge to say something I know I probably should not say.

My first instinct can be:

Where did THAT come from?

Maybe it is an old behavior.

Fear could be underneath it.

Sometimes ego or insecurity may be involved.

Temptation is possible too.

And because faith is part of how I understand my life, I sometimes wonder whether there is a spiritual side to it.

I honestly do not think I will always know.

Maybe I do not need to.

I may not always know where a thought came from. But I am learning I can still look at where it is trying to take me.

That feels much more useful.

If following the thought takes me toward arrogance, resentment, gossip, fear, dishonesty, or control, I already have information.

I can stop there.

Then I can check it against what I know and choose something different.

Even Something Good Can Become Heavy

That brought me back to the 30-Day Notice Journey.

I care about it.

A lot.

I want it to help people.

My hope is that someone who has tried reading the Bible before and thought, I do not understand any of this, might suddenly recognize something familiar.

Maybe they see their own fear in a story.

Perhaps comparison makes more sense when they see it in Scripture.

They may realize that these ancient stories are full of people struggling with many of the same things we still struggle with now.

That is the whole reason I wanted to do this.

But even something good can become heavy when I start believing I am responsible for the outcome.

Today’s control lesson reached me there.

I can create the journey.

Sharing honestly is mine to do.

Explaining what I am learning is part of the work.

I can invite people to try it for themselves.

What happens inside someone else is not mine to control.

Maybe I Have Been Learning How to Pay Attention

The more I look back over these past few weeks, the more I think that is what all of this has been teaching me.

Pay attention.

Notice what you are carrying.

Catch comparison when it appears.

Recognize fear without letting it run everything.

Pay attention to peace.

Notice what conversations produce.

Watch for the moment responsibility turns into control.

See the good.

Notice the noise.

Pay attention to how quickly you return.

Recognize what Scripture keeps showing you.

And catch yourself when you begin to drift.

Then respond.

Maybe that is why such a simple word has become so important to me.

Notice.

The Goal Is Not Constant Self-Monitoring

I want to be careful here too.

The last thing I want is to live inside my own head analyzing every thought until I make myself crazy.

That would completely defeat the purpose.

This is not:

Watch yourself every second because you might mess up.

It is more like:

Stay awake to your own life.

Pay attention to patterns.

Give yourself permission to pause.

Recognize what is happening before a reaction begins making decisions for you.

Then return to what you already know.

There is freedom in that.

Maybe Noticing Creates Space

I think that may be what is actually happening.

Noticing creates a tiny space between:

What I feel

and

What I do next.

That space matters.

Anxiety can exist without immediately becoming a spiral.

I can feel irritated without saying the first thing that comes to mind.

Comparison may appear without turning someone else’s good news into evidence against my own future.

Pressure can show up without convincing me that everything depends on me.

Even doubt can exist without becoming the final word.

The feeling is still real.

But now there is space.

And inside that space, I get to choose.

Questions I’m Leaving With

Where am I trying to control something that was never mine to control?

Have I turned something good into pressure because I feel responsible for the outcome?

Which patterns am I beginning to recognize in myself?

How quickly do I catch the drift before it becomes a spiral?

What tends to move me toward fear, comparison, pride, gossip, or control?

Which thoughts lead me toward integrity, compassion, patience, and truth?

When something starts going my way, do I remain humble?

Could I become more curious about where a thought is taking me instead of immediately judging myself for having it?

And am I creating enough space between what I feel and what I choose next?

Today’s Takeaway

Paying attention will not eliminate every difficult thought.

But it can change what happens next.

Learn What You Are Returning To

Spend time with God.

Read Scripture.

Learn what it teaches about how we live and how we treat people.

You need something solid to return to when emotions get loud.

Notice the Drift

Pay attention when something changes.

Your peace may disappear.

Comparison might become louder.

Maybe you feel yourself trying to control an outcome.

Perhaps a conversation leaves you feeling worse than when you entered it.

Do not panic.

Just notice.

Check Where It Is Taking You

Ask:

What is this producing in me?

You may not know exactly where the thought came from.

However, you can often see where following it will lead.

Choose Before the Thought Chooses for You

Pause.

Pray.

Redirect if needed.

Take responsibility for what belongs to you.

Release what does not.

Then choose the next right thing.

Keep Returning

You will probably have to do this more than once.

That does not mean the practice is failing.

Maybe repetition is the practice.

Notice.

Check.

Choose.

Return.

Then do it again when you need to.

Because perhaps one of the biggest changes does not happen when every difficult thought disappears.

Maybe it happens when you start noticing sooner – and realize you no longer have to follow every thought wherever it wants to take you.

Until next time… keep noticing.