Embracing the Journey

Today’s Reading: Deuteronomy 21:10-23 – 25

This weekend was harder than I wanted it to be.

There was anxiety.

Uncertainty.

Thoughts that kept trying to run ahead.

Old fears that knew exactly which doors to knock on.

And more than once, I found myself right back in the same place I had already prayed about an hour earlier.

But something was different.

I did not look at that and think:

Why am I still struggling with this?

Instead, I knew what to do.

Pause.

Notice.

Recognize where the thought was taking me.

Bring it back to God.

And if I had to do it again an hour later?

Then I did it again.

No shame.

No frustration that the first prayer somehow had not “worked.”

Just:

Return.

Because I think I finally understand something I have been learning for a while now.

The return is the practice working.

The return is not evidence that the practice failed. The return is the practice working.

Returning to God in Uncertainty Does Not Always Happen Once

I think part of me used to expect surrender to work like a switch.

Pray.

Release it.

Feel peaceful.

Done.

But sometimes that is not what being human looks like.

Sometimes I surrender something at 8:00 in the morning and catch myself picking it back up by 9:15.

Sometimes fear comes back.

Sometimes the question comes back.

Sometimes the uncertainty has not changed at all.

That does not mean the surrender was fake.

It does not mean I failed.

It means I noticed again.

And I can return again.

That realization gave me more grace with myself this weekend than I might have had before.

The Anxiety Was Still There

There were real things underneath it.

Questions I did not completely have answers to yet.

An opportunity I care deeply about.

The pressure I can put on myself when something matters.

That tendency to wonder what is happening in places I cannot see.

What are people saying?

What are they thinking?

What happens next?

And once again, my brain wanted to take uncertainty and turn it into a full story.

But I know that pattern now.

I know where fear tries to take me.

And more importantly:

I know how to interrupt it.

Same Steps

There were moments this weekend where I almost laughed at myself.

Not because the anxiety was funny.

But because the process had become so familiar.

Here we go again.

Pause.

What am I actually afraid of?

What do I know?

What am I assuming?

What is mine to carry?

What am I trying to control?

Then:

Lord, take control.

And if the thoughts came back?

Same steps.

That may sound repetitive.

It was.

But repetition was exactly what I needed.

I Stopped Measuring Growth by Whether the Fear Returned

That feels important.

For a while, I think I measured progress by how long I could stay peaceful.

If anxiety came back, maybe I had not grown enough.

If I found myself worrying again, maybe I was backsliding.

I do not believe that anymore.

Now I think growth looks more like:

How quickly did I recognize what was happening?

Did I believe every thought?

Did I let fear dictate my behavior?

Did I remember what I already knew?

Did I return?

That is a completely different measurement.

And this weekend?

I returned.

Again.

Again.

Again.

That counts.

Then Monday Came

The conversation I had been thinking about all weekend finally arrived.

But something interesting had already happened before it did.

I had peace.

Not perfect certainty.

Not every answer.

But peace.

And I realized some of the clarity I had been waiting for had actually started coming together before the conversation I thought would give it to me.

Then even more information came.

From directions I had not expected.

Possibilities I had not even included in all of my mental planning.

And once again, I had to stop and notice.

Because how many times have I done this?

How many times have I convinced myself that I need to predict the possible answers?

Then the actual answer comes from somewhere I had not even considered.

My Brain Cannot Predict Every Path

That may be another thing I need to write down simply so I can come back and read it later.

There have been times when I could not imagine how the answer would come because the actual answer was not even one of the possibilities I was considering.

That matters.

Especially for someone whose brain loves a contingency plan.

Thinking ahead can be useful.

Preparation can be responsible.

But there is a point where my brain starts trying to create certainty by predicting every possible future.

And it cannot.

No matter how hard I think.

No matter how many scenarios I create.

There will always be paths I cannot see from where I am standing.

The Peace Came Before Everything Was Settled

This is another part I do not want to miss.

The circumstances were not what gave me peace first.

I had already been practicing the return.

All weekend.

Again and again.

And by the time Monday arrived, I was not walking into it from the same place I had been in when the anxiety first showed up.

Something in me had settled.

Not because I knew everything.

Because I had spent the weekend repeatedly putting down what I could not know yet.

That may be one of the clearest pieces of evidence I have collected in this entire journey.

Peace does not have to wait until every answer arrives.

Then Today’s Devotional Made Me Smile

This morning’s devotional was titled:

“Assurance about Everything.”

Honestly, the title alone got me.

After this weekend?

After the uncertainty?

After repeatedly bringing the same fears back to God?

After watching some answers arrive differently than I expected?

Of course that was today’s title.

The devotional focused on God’s faithfulness, His promises, His grace, and the assurance that comes from depending on Him instead of circumstances.

And it ended with 1 Kings 8:56:

“There has not failed one word of all His good promise.”

I sat with that.

Because it felt like one of those reminders that arrives at exactly the right time.

Not a promise that every situation will unfold exactly the way I want.

Not proof that difficult things will never happen.

But a reminder:

God’s faithfulness is bigger than my ability to predict the path.

That gave me peace too.

Remember This

That is what I kept thinking afterward.

Remember this.

Not only the outcome.

Remember the weekend.

Remember the anxiety.

Remember how many times you returned.

Remember that you did not have all the answers.

Remember that peace started showing up anyway.

Remember that clarity came from places you had not considered.

Remember how convinced your brain had been that it needed to figure everything out first.

And remember that it did not.

Because another uncertain season will come.

Another question will eventually feel enormous.

Another situation will make me believe:

But this time is different.

So I need evidence.

I need memories.

I need reminders.

Deuteronomy Keeps Bringing Me Back to Remembering

That is one of the themes that has fascinated me throughout this entire section of Scripture.

Today’s specific passage in Deuteronomy 21 deals with difficult laws and situations from a very different time and culture.

But throughout Deuteronomy as a whole, Moses keeps calling people back to memory.

Remember where you came from.

Remember what God has done.

Remember what it felt like when you were powerless.

Remember how you were treated.

Then let that memory affect how you live now.

That has stayed with me.

Because I think that is part of why I try so hard to live the way I do.

I Remember What the Other Side Felt Like

There are places I have been in my life that I never want to forget.

Not because I want to keep reliving them.

Because I remember what they taught me.

I know what it feels like to need grace.

I know what it feels like to make mistakes.

I know what it feels like to feel powerless.

I know what it feels like to wonder how life will ever become something different.

And because I know what that side feels like, I do not want to become someone who forgets it when I am standing somewhere else.

I want that memory to shape how I treat people.

How I lead.

How I respond to mistakes.

How I judge.

How much grace I give.

How seriously I take integrity.

That matters to me.

Scripture Had Already Been Shaping Me

This connects to something else I noticed when I started reading the Bible again more than sixty days ago.

I realized there were parts of who I had become that had roots in Scripture I read years ago.

Integrity.

Compassion.

Responsibility.

Trying to do what is right even when no one is watching.

Those lessons had stayed.

Even when I was not consciously thinking about where they came from.

And now I am watching something similar happen with this journey.

Pause.

Notice.

Check.

Choose.

Return.

What is mine?

What am I assuming?

What is this producing in me?

Those questions are becoming part of how I move through life too.

Maybe Remembering Is Part of How We Grow

That makes sense to me now.

We experience something.

We learn from it.

We practice.

Then eventually, we do not have to consciously recreate the whole lesson every time.

It becomes part of us.

But that only works if we remember.

Remember the evidence.

Remember the lessons.

Remember the moments when something turned out differently than fear predicted.

Remember the times peace arrived before the answer.

Remember how often we survived something we were convinced would break us.

Maybe remembering is how we stop starting from zero every time life becomes uncertain.

This Whole Journey Feels Like a Circle

That is probably the strangest and most beautiful part.

I started this journey looking for peace.

Then I learned to notice.

I learned to pause.

I learned to ask what was mine.

I learned to separate fear from truth.

I learned that surrender sometimes has to happen repeatedly.

I learned to look backward for evidence.

I learned to remember.

And now here I am, after another uncertain weekend, realizing all those pieces worked together.

Not perfectly.

But genuinely.

I did not avoid anxiety.

I knew what to do with it.

That may be even better.

The Return Is Not Failure

I want to say this clearly because I think someone else may need it too.

If you prayed about something yesterday and you are worried about it again today, that does not mean yesterday’s prayer failed.

If you surrendered something this morning and realize tonight that you picked it back up, you can put it down again.

If your mind wanders back into fear after you thought you had finally found peace, return.

Again.

There is no rule that says spiritual growth means you only need the lesson once.

Sometimes growth is remembering the path back faster.

The Return Is the Practice Working

That is what I know now.

The return does not mean I lost everything I learned.

It is evidence that I learned something worth returning to.

Pause.

Notice.

Check.

Choose.

Return.

Then repeat when necessary.

Without shame.

Without turning the struggle itself into another reason to struggle.

Just come back.

Questions I’m Leaving With

Do I interpret recurring fear as failure, or as another opportunity to practice returning?

How quickly am I recognizing when my thoughts begin to move away from truth?

What am I trying to predict because uncertainty feels uncomfortable?

What evidence do I already have that answers can come in ways I never imagined?

Have I been waiting for circumstances to change before allowing myself peace?

What moments from this season do I need to intentionally remember?

How have past experiences shaped the way I treat people today?

What has Scripture planted in me that I may not even recognize until I look backward?

Where do I need to stop starting from zero and remember what God has already taught me?

And if I have to return again tomorrow, can I trust that returning still counts?

Today’s Takeaway

The return is not evidence that the practice failed. The return is the practice working.

Notice

Catch the moment when fear starts pulling your mind somewhere it does not need to go.

Pause

Do not immediately believe every thought simply because it feels urgent.

Check

What do you actually know?

What are you assuming?

What is yours to carry?

Return

Bring it back to God.

And if you have to do that again later?

Return again.

Remember

Do not throw away the evidence from previous uncertain seasons.

Remember what carried you.

Remember the peace that came before everything was solved.

Remember the answers that arrived from directions you never could have predicted.

Keep Going

Growth is not never struggling again.

Sometimes growth is knowing the way back.

This weekend, I needed the way back more than once.

And instead of seeing that as failure, I am grateful.

Because each time fear started pulling me away, I recognized it.

Each time, I had somewhere to return.

Then peace came.

Then clarity came.

And today, Scripture and my devotional brought me right back to the same reminder:

Remember.

God’s faithfulness is bigger than my ability to predict the path.

I do not need to know every answer before I can trust Him.

And if fear comes back tomorrow?

I know what to do.

Return.

Until next time… keep noticing.