Today’s Reading: Job 35-40:1
There is something I have been noticing lately that I don’t think I fully understood before.
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t making the decision.
Sometimes the hardest part is what happens after.
You pray.
You listen.
You test.
You seek wisdom.
You make the best decision you can with what you know.
And then the doubt comes.
But what if I was wrong?
What if I misunderstood?
What if I should have done more?
What if I walked away from something I was supposed to hold onto?
And if I’m being completely honest, that is where I have been lately.
When Fear Creeps Back In
Yesterday was hard.
Nothing huge happened.
There was just a lot of anxiety.
And I kept thinking about something I had noticed the day before:
Sometimes when I feel really strong in my faith, strong in what I believe I am hearing, and strong in the direction I am trying to walk…
that is exactly when the doubts and fears seem to creep back in.
And it made me wonder:
Is that part of a spiritual battle?
Is that the moment when fear, lies, or deception try to pull us away from what we had already prayed through?
I don’t know that I can confidently label every fearful thought that way.
And I think that matters.
Not every uncomfortable thought is evil.
Not every fear means I am being spiritually attacked.
Sometimes fear is just fear.
Sometimes doubt is simply the human brain asking for certainty it does not have.
Sometimes guilt comes because we genuinely need to correct something.
And sometimes guilt appears because we finally stopped doing something we had trained ourselves to believe was our responsibility.
So once again, I come back to discernment.
Notice.
Don’t automatically believe the fear.
Don’t automatically reject it either.
Bring it to God.
Test it.
Ask what it is producing.
Ask whether it is calling you toward truth, humility, love, wisdom, and faithfulness…
or pulling you back into panic, control, shame, obsession, or the need to rescue everyone around you.
I Still Felt Guilty
There has been a situation in my life recently that has required a lot of discernment.
Someone offered me something that, on paper, would have been very difficult to refuse.
Especially in a season where my future already felt uncertain.
It sounded good.
Really good.
And that was exactly what made it complicated.
Because part of me thought:
Would I be an idiot to walk away from this if the intentions behind it are genuine?
But at the same time, there was something in my heart I could not shake.
The words sounded one way.
Some of the actions felt different.
And I kept trying to figure out the person’s intentions.
Was I being too suspicious?
Was I allowing fear to influence me?
Was I overthinking?
Or was the promise of what I could gain making me question something my heart had been consistently telling me?
So I did what I have been learning to do.
I prayed.
I tested what I was feeling against God’s Word and my own values.
I sought wisdom.
I paid attention.
I tried not to judge another person’s heart.
And eventually, I made the best decision I could with what I knew.
And even after all of that?
I still felt guilty.
Guilty that I questioned someone.
Guilty that I couldn’t simply trust what was being said.
Guilty that I found myself in the situation at all.
Guilty that I may have misunderstood something.
And that guilt made me question myself all over again.
Then One Verse Stopped Me
Today’s reading was Job 35-40:1.
And one verse stopped me almost immediately:
“Don’t let a bribe mislead you.”
That hit me.
Hard.
Now, I want to be careful here.
I am not saying that God gave me a direct verdict about another person’s intentions.
I don’t know another person’s heart.
And I don’t want to use Scripture to do the exact thing I have been learning not to do – force a verse into the answer I want.
But the verse did make me stop and ask a different question:
Was the promise of what I might gain influencing my ability to trust what I had already been noticing?
That is a very different question.
Because sometimes something doesn’t have to be a literal bribe to become something that clouds our judgment.
A promise can do that.
Security can do that.
Money can do that.
Status can do that.
A relationship can do that.
An opportunity can do that.
Anything we desperately want can become loud enough that we start overriding what we otherwise recognize.
And maybe that was the part I needed to examine.
Not:
Was this person trying to mislead me?
But:
Was I allowing what was being offered to mislead me away from my own discernment?
That felt much more important.
Job Is Still Asking Why
Then I kept reading.
And once again, Job felt painfully familiar.
Not because my circumstances are anywhere near his.
But because the emotional question is.
What does it feel like to believe you are trying to do the right thing…
to believe your intentions are good…
to keep trying to move faithfully…
and still feel like you are the one who keeps getting hurt?
That is a hard place to stand.
And Job is standing there.
He has been questioning.
Defending himself.
Trying to understand why any of this is happening.
Trying to understand God.
Trying to understand his friends.
Trying to understand the suffering.
Trying to understand what he cannot see.
And all along, we have been reading with knowledge Job does not have.
We know there is more happening outside his view.
Job does not.
And Then God Speaks
As I read today, I had this thought in my heart:
Job is going to hear God tonight.
And then he does.
After chapter after chapter of Job asking, questioning, wrestling, and wanting an explanation…
God answers.
But what fascinated me was how He answers.
God does not immediately hand Job the explanation Job has been waiting for.
He doesn’t sit Job down and say:
Here is exactly why all of this happened.
Instead, God starts asking Job questions.
Where were you when the earth was formed?
Do you understand the boundaries of creation?
Can you command the morning?
Do you know how all of this works?
And suddenly the entire perspective changes.
Job has been trying to understand the whole story from one tiny place inside of it.
God sees everything.
There it was again.
The big picture.
Maybe We Won’t Always Get the Explanation
That is hard for me.
Because I like explanations.
😂
I want to know:
Why did they do that?
What did they mean?
Why did this happen?
What would have happened if I chose differently?
Did I make the right decision?
What is coming next?
Give me enough information and I will happily build the entire spreadsheet in my brain. 😂
But Job reminds me that there may be pieces of life I simply cannot see from where I am standing.
And maybe the goal of faith is not to collect enough evidence that I never have to trust.
Maybe trust begins exactly where my ability to know ends.
Knowing God’s Heart Changes This
I trust Your heart more than I trust my ability to see the entire story.
In Entry 021, I wrote about something that has been changing in me as I continue reading Scripture.
I’m beginning to recognize God’s heart.
Not perfectly.
I still have questions.
There are still parts of Scripture that challenge me.
But the more I read the whole story, the more I see patterns.
Love.
Mercy.
Humility.
Truth.
Forgiveness.
Service.
God continuing to work through imperfect people.
Jesus moving toward people who were hurting, judged, sick, rejected, or lost.
And maybe that matters here.
Because surrender feels terrifying when you don’t know the person you’re surrendering to.
But if I am beginning to know God’s heart…
then perhaps I don’t need every explanation before I trust Him.
That is different.
Maybe faith isn’t:
God, explain everything to me so I can finally relax.
Maybe faith becomes:
God, I still don’t understand this, but I am learning who You are.
And I trust Your heart more than I trust my ability to see the entire story.
Guilt Doesn’t Always Mean Go Back
This is something I think I needed today.
Because I have been feeling guilt.
And maybe someone reading this needs it too.
Guilt does not automatically mean you made the wrong decision.
Sometimes guilt is conviction.
We should listen to that.
If we hurt someone…
if we acted selfishly…
if we were dishonest…
if we know we violated something we believe is right…
then guilt can point us toward correction.
But there is another kind of guilt.
The guilt that shows up when you set a boundary.
The guilt that appears when you stop rescuing.
The guilt that comes when you finally say:
This isn’t mine to carry.
The guilt that whispers:
But if you really cared, you would have done more.
That guilt needs discernment too.
Caring does not mean carrying everything.
Loving someone does not mean ignoring what your own heart is telling you.
Being a good person does not mean saying yes to every request.
And making the most faithful decision you can does not guarantee you will feel completely comfortable afterward.
Sometimes doing the right thing still hurts.
What If the Doubt Is Just Another Thing to Surrender?
Maybe this is the next layer.
I have spent weeks practicing surrender before the decision.
Lord, show me.
Lord, guide me.
Lord, help me know what is mine.
But what about after?
Maybe I need to surrender the doubt too.
Maybe I need to surrender the guilt.
Maybe I need to surrender the need to know for certain whether every decision was perfect.
Because if I spend days reopening something I already prayed through, tested, and sought wisdom about…
I may simply be trying to take control back.
Again.
And perhaps faith sometimes looks like:
I made the best decision I could with what I had.
If I was wrong, God can redirect me.
If there is something I need to correct, He can show me.
If I missed something, I can learn.
But I do not have to keep punishing myself because I am human and cannot see every outcome.
Maybe This Is the Spiritual Battle
I don’t know exactly how to define spiritual battle.
I am still learning.
But maybe there is something worth noticing here.
There are moments when fear says:
You can’t trust this.
You made the wrong choice.
You’re going to lose everything.
You should go back and fix it.
You need to control what happens next.
And maybe the question isn’t always:
Where did that thought come from?
Maybe the more useful question is:
Where will that thought lead me if I follow it?
Will it lead me toward truth?
Toward love?
Toward wise action?
Toward humility?
Toward prayer?
Or will it pull me back toward fear, panic, resentment, control, and hopelessness?
Maybe I don’t have to perfectly identify the source of every thought.
I can bring the thought to God.
I can test it.
And I can decide whether it deserves authority over me.
Maybe the question isn’t always: Where did that thought come from? Maybe the more useful question is: Where will that thought lead me if I follow it?
And What If God Doesn’t Answer the Way I Expect?
There is something else I can’t stop thinking about.
For days, my devotionals have continued talking about change.
Something new.
A transition.
The page turning.
And I feel that in my heart.
I do.
But today Job finally hears God…
and God doesn’t give him the answer he expected.
That feels important.
Maybe the question isn’t:
God, is the page really about to turn?
Maybe the deeper question is:
God, if it doesn’t turn when or how I expect, will I still trust You?
That is harder.
But after everything I have been learning lately, I think I understand why that matters.
I don’t want my faith to depend on God fulfilling the version of the future I created in my own mind.
I want my faith rooted in who He is.
If the change comes tomorrow…
God is there.
If it takes months…
God is there.
If the next chapter looks completely different from the one I imagined…
God is there.
Maybe that is what I need more than the prediction.
Questions I’m Leaving With
When doubt appears after I make a decision, do I automatically assume that means I chose wrong?
Is my guilt pointing me toward something I genuinely need to correct – or toward an old pattern of believing I have to save, fix, or carry everything?
Am I allowing something I desperately want to influence what I am willing to see?
When fear enters my mind, do I need to immediately decide where it came from – or can I first ask what it is producing?
Can I trust that God can redirect me if I misunderstood something?
And if God does not explain the whole story the way I want Him to, do I know His heart well enough to trust Him anyway?
Today’s Takeaway
Maybe you are questioning a decision too.
You prayed.
You thought about it.
You tried to do the right thing.
And now the doubt has arrived.
Don’t automatically assume the presence of doubt means the absence of God.
Pause.
Notice it.
Test it.
Ask what the guilt or fear is actually saying.
Ask what it is producing in your heart.
Ask whether there is something you need to correct.
And if there isn’t?
Maybe you don’t need to keep reopening the decision.
You made the best choice you could with what you knew.
You are still allowed to learn.
You are still allowed to be redirected.
You are still allowed to be human.
And maybe the answer you are waiting for will not arrive as a complete explanation.
Job finally heard God.
But before Job received answers, he received perspective.
There was more happening than he could see.
Maybe there is more happening than we can see too.
So I am going to continue doing what I have been practicing.
Pray.
Test.
Listen.
Take the next right step.
And surrender what comes after it.
The doubt.
The guilt.
The outcome.
The pages I cannot see.
All of it.
Because maybe faith isn’t knowing for certain that I interpreted every part of the story correctly.
Maybe faith is knowing the heart of the One who sees the entire story.
And tonight, that is where I am choosing to rest.
Lord, Take Control.
Until next time… keep noticing.