Embracing the Journey

Today’s Reading: Numbers 25-26

Today’s Notice Journey theme was:

Notice the Fear.

Of all days.

Because before lunch, fear and uncertainty had already convinced me that I needed five pages of notes, the perfect opening, answers to questions nobody had asked yet, and some kind of guarantee about a conversation that had not even happened.

By the end of the day, I realized something:

Fear had already written the ending before I ever walked into the room.

And reality told a completely different story.

The Day Changed Before It Even Started

I was supposed to have an important conversation tomorrow.

Instead, first thing this morning, I received a message asking if I could meet today.

Okay then.

Suddenly, everything I thought I had another day to prepare for was happening in a few hours.

So naturally, I responded in the calmest, most rational way possible.

I created five pages of talking points.

Because apparently five pages felt like the appropriate amount of material for one conversation.

The closer the meeting got, though, the worse I felt.

I was shaking.

Sweating.

Trying to practice an opening paragraph and somehow becoming less capable of speaking every time I rehearsed it.

At one point, I could barely get a clear first sentence out.

That was when I had to admit:

I was afraid.

Today’s Assignment Was Literally “Notice the Fear”

Which did make me laugh a little.

Of course it was.

Day 8 of the Notice Journey:

NOTICE THE FEAR.

Well.

Noticed.

But instead of immediately trying to get rid of the fear, today’s practice was to ask:

What am I afraid of right now?

Then:

What do I actually know to be true in this moment?

That distinction mattered.

Because what did I actually know?

I had a meeting.

That was pretty much it.

Everything else?

My brain had written.

Fear Is Very Good at Filling in Blank Spaces

That may be one of the biggest things I am learning.

Uncertainty leaves an empty space.

Fear hates empty spaces.

So it fills them.

What if this goes badly?

What if I say the wrong thing?

What if I cannot explain myself well?

What if this conversation means something I am not prepared for?

Then suddenly, something that might happen starts feeling like something that is already happening.

The body responds accordingly.

Heart racing.

Chest tight.

Thoughts everywhere.

Meanwhile, the actual event still has not happened.

That was exactly where I was.

Fear had already written the ending before I ever walked into the room.

Then I Read My Morning Devotional

Before the meeting, I intentionally stopped and read today’s devotional.

The title was:

Absolute Rule.

Its message centered on trusting God when we cannot understand or control everything that is happening.

Do what we can.

Trust what we cannot see.

Stop trying to reason our way through every possible outcome.

That felt particularly relevant considering I had spent the morning attempting to mentally prepare for every possible outcome.

So I prayed.

God, give me strength.

Give me wisdom.

Give me confidence to simply be myself.

And once again:

Lord, take control.

Ten Minutes Before the Meeting, Something Shifted

I was still nervous.

But about ten minutes before the meeting, I stopped trying to create the perfect version of myself.

No more rehearsing.

No more trying to memorize five pages.

No more predicting exactly where the conversation might go.

I just kept praying.

And then I felt it.

That familiar peace.

The noise in my head settled.

My body calmed.

And I actually said out loud:

The peace that surpasses all understanding.

Because that was exactly what it felt like.

The circumstances had not changed yet.

I still had the meeting.

I still did not know what was going to happen.

But suddenly, I did not feel like I needed to know.

That is surrender.

Fear and Uncertainty Had Written a Meeting That Did Not Exist

Then I logged in.

And yes, I was a little wordy at first.

Of course I was.

But very early in the conversation, I was essentially asked:

Would you like some context?

Absolutely.

Please give me all the context. 😂

And from there, the entire tone changed.

The conversation was not remotely what fear had prepared me for.

Instead, I learned that I was being considered for an opportunity connected to the work I have already been doing and the experience I have built over the years.

I heard that people had spoken positively about my work.

More importantly, I heard a vision for what the next season could potentially look like.

And sitting there listening, I honestly thought:

This sounds like a dream.

I Am Keeping Some Parts of This Story Private

There are details I am intentionally not sharing here.

This is still unfolding.

Nothing is final.

There are conversations ahead, time to work together, and next steps that still need to happen.

That matters.

So this is not:

I got exactly what I wanted and everything is finished.

It is not finished.

But today I received something I have been waiting for:

clarity about a possible direction.

And for tonight?

That is enough.

I Did Not Want to Rush Past Gratitude

There are practical things that will matter later.

Of course there are.

Responsibilities matter.

Compensation matters.

Long-term decisions matter.

I have worked incredibly hard, and those conversations deserve their appropriate time.

But I noticed something today.

I did not want to immediately take this moment and turn it into the next list of questions.

I did not want to hear good news and instantly ask:

Okay, but what about this?

When will that happen?

What if something changes?

What comes after that?

I just wanted to say:

Thank You, God.

And stay there for a minute.

Maybe Receiving an Answer Requires Not Controlling the Next One

That feels important.

For weeks, I have been learning about waiting.

Trust.

Control.

Fear.

Comparison.

Remembering.

Noticing.

Then today, I finally received a little more clarity.

And immediately there was another opportunity to practice everything I have been learning.

Could I receive what happened today without trying to control everything that comes after it?

Could I let today simply be good?

Could I trust the next step without needing the entire roadmap?

I think I can.

Or at least, I am learning.

Then Life Kept Moving

After the meeting, everything moved quickly.

Work messages started coming in.

People needed things.

There was more information to process.

And at the same time, my husband was actually leaving for his work trip today.

So once again, there was a choice.

I could immediately disappear back into work mode.

Or I could notice:

My family is here right now.

My husband is leaving.

We have a little time together before he goes.

That matters too.

So I stepped away.

We went outside.

We spent some time together.

I breathed.

And for a little while, I allowed the next week to stay in the next week.

Staying Present Felt Like Part of the Answer

That may sound small.

It did not feel small.

Because getting good news can create its own kind of mental chaos.

Suddenly there are exciting possibilities.

New questions.

Plans.

Ideas.

Things to prepare for.

The brain can leave the present just as quickly through excitement as it can through fear.

But today I kept thinking:

Stay here.

Enjoy this moment.

Be with your family.

Let your husband leave knowing you were actually present before he went.

Tomorrow can wait.

Again:

Pause.

Notice.

Check.

Choose.

My Husband Is Starting to Notice Too

This has become one of my favorite parts of the 30-Day Journey.

It is not only me anymore.

My husband is noticing with me.

There are moments when he sees something before I do.

Other times, I say something out loud and he immediately recognizes it too.

Today, he kept looking at me with this feeling of:

The good is coming.

We do not know exactly what that means yet.

Neither of us can see the entire path.

But there is something really beautiful about paying attention together.

It makes the practice feel less like something I am doing and more like something that is beginning to shape our home.

Numbers 25-26 Felt Like a Transition Too

Today’s reading was Numbers 25-26.

Numbers 25 is difficult.

There are consequences, failure, and a painful moment in Israel’s story.

Then Numbers 26 moves into another census.

A new accounting of the people.

Another generation.

Preparation for what comes next.

I do not think that passage is some secret prediction about my job.

That is not what I mean.

But I did notice the theme of transition.

One season has happened.

Something new is being prepared.

The people are not at the final destination yet.

There are still steps ahead.

And that feels familiar tonight.

I have not arrived.

But I may finally understand a little more about what the next part of the journey could hold.

Maybe the Waiting Is Changing

For a while, the waiting felt like:

What is going to happen?

Tonight it feels slightly different.

Maybe now it is:

How do I walk through what happens next?

That is still waiting.

But it is a different kind.

And maybe that is another reminder:

Answers do not always close the story.

Sometimes they open the next chapter.

Then My Nightly Devotional Started

By the time I was getting ready for bed, I felt like the day had already given me plenty to think about.

Then I turned on my nightly devotional.

And the opening question was essentially:

Have you ever had to move forward when you felt completely unprepared for what was ahead?

I actually laughed.

Out loud.

Because at that point?

Come on. 😂

I was basically like:

Okay, God. You’re funny too.

All morning, I had been terrified because I did not feel prepared.

Then I received some clarity.

And now the next message was about moving forward while feeling unprepared.

Apparently we are already onto the next lesson.

Maybe Being Unprepared Does Not Mean We Are Not Ready

That thought stayed with me.

I think I have spent a lot of my life believing readiness means:

Knowing everything.

Having the plan.

Predicting the problems.

Preparing the answers.

Understanding exactly how something will unfold.

But what if readiness sometimes looks different?

What if it looks like:

I know how to pause.

I know how to pray.

I know how to ask for wisdom.

I know how to tell the truth.

I know how to take the next responsible step.

And I know how to surrender what I cannot control.

Maybe that is enough preparation for the next step.

The Storm Was Real. It Just Was Not the Whole Story.

That is exactly what today’s Notice Journey taught.

In Matthew 8, the disciples were in a real storm.

The wind was real.

The waves were real.

Their fear was real.

Jesus did not pretend otherwise.

But the storm was not the only thing that was true.

And neither was my fear today.

The meeting was real.

The uncertainty was real.

The possibility that my future could change was real.

But fear had taken those facts and written an entire ending around them.

That ending was never reality.

Fear Made Me Experience Something That Had Not Happened Yet

That is what I want to remember from today.

Before the meeting, I was physically reacting to a future that existed only in my imagination.

The shaking was real.

The sweating was real.

The anxiety was real.

But the story creating those feelings?

Much of it had not happened.

That is why this question from the Notice Journey matters so much:

What do I actually know to be true right now?

Not tomorrow.

Not next month.

Not the worst-case scenario.

Right now.

That question brings me back.

Questions I’m Leaving With

What future has fear already written for me?

How much of my anxiety is about what is happening right now?

How much comes from what I am afraid might happen next?

Am I preparing responsibly, or am I trying to control an outcome?

What changes when I stop rehearsing every possibility?

Can I receive something good without immediately worrying about how long it will last?

Where do I need to stay present instead of racing into the next chapter?

And what if feeling unprepared does not mean I am unready for the next right step?

Today’s Takeaway

Fear can make a future feel real before it ever happens.

That does not mean the fear is fake.

It means we need to separate today’s reality from tomorrow’s predictions.

Notice the Fear

Do not immediately judge yourself for feeling it.

Name it.

What am I afraid of right now?

Separate Facts From Predictions

Ask:

What do I actually know?

Then notice everything your mind has added.

There is a difference between what is happening and what fear predicts will happen.

Stop Trying to Experience Tomorrow Today

You do not need to solve a conversation you have not had.

You cannot respond to an outcome that does not exist yet.

And you do not need to carry every possible version of the future.

Ask for What You Need Now

Wisdom.

Strength.

Confidence.

Peace.

Then take the next right step.

Let Good Be Good

If something beautiful happens, pause before turning it into another problem to solve.

Say thank you.

Be present.

Receive it.

Tomorrow will arrive soon enough.

Because today did not teach me that everything I fear will always turn out wonderfully.

It taught me something much more useful:

Fear can make me experience an ending before the story has even happened.

Today I noticed the fear.

I prayed.

I surrendered.

And then I walked into what was actually happening instead of what fear told me might happen.

The storm was real.

It just was not the whole story.

Until next time… keep noticing.